Who's Afraid of Whole Foods? By Donna Montalbano They should post a sign at the door of every Whole Foods Market. It should read: Warning! There is Absolutely Nothing Here That Isn’t Good for You! You won’t find any Oscar Mayer jumbo cheese dogs, fried pork rinds or cans of Red Bull to wash ‘em down with. No Enquirers, Guns and Ammo’s or Soap Opera Digests. Even the reading material is good for you. Check out the propagandist tracts at the checkout: Outside, Food as Medicine, Ascent…Yoga for an Inspired Life. It is all Real Simple: Whole Foods is more than a Market; it’s a Movement, based on the philosophy that naturally produced consumables make you healthy, wealthy, wise and if you spend enough…Immortal. I am skeptical; probably because I am from the generation who rode their bicycles behind mosquito trucks, weaving in and out of the billowing clouds of pesticides. I’m still here. Depression-era parents worshipped chemicals. My father actually WAS a chemist! Chemicals increase crop production and fatten livestock and poultry, which in turn makes food cost less, last longer, look prettier and taste better. Remember that slogan: “Better Living Through Chemistry”? The cleanliness, the friendliness, the goody-goodness of a Whole Foods Market can be positively off-putting. I had the urge to flee…back to Shaw’s comforting bosom; the ample thighs of Stop and Shop. I wasn’t even dressed properly, for Goodness’ sake. Jeans and a tee shirt? Everyone else was wearing power suits, peasant skirts, gentry-worn cords and cashmere turtlenecks. I looked more closely. Their expressions were beatific. These weren’t Shoppers, they were Acolytes. It was like the Invasion of the Whole Body Snatchers! I also suspected they were communicating telepathically. “My cholesterol is in the single digits!” “Did you see that Republican in aisle three?” “Aren’t you in my yoga class?” One of the first things you notice when you walk into a Whole Foods Market is this mysterious aroma. I stopped an employee. “It smells awfully good in here,” I said suspiciously. “Do you spray something around?” She denied it. I believed her. Probably there couldn’t be an eau de ginger, jasmine and roast chicken…a parfum de chili pepper and Macintosh apple…an essence of cheddar, chocolate truffle and Jamaican espresso. But if there is…gimme a bottle. I decided to scope out the place; get the skinny on this Whole Foods Market thing. Along the way, I would sample exotic stuff I’d never heard of before. Which from the look of it, was just about everything. Homage to the Fromage A section of the Specialty Department is devoted to cheeses…blocks, wheels and wedges of cheeses from around the world. The descriptions sound more like wine than cheese: smooth, buttery; spicy, complex; richly aged. I met the head of the department. He himself was mild and piquant, with a hint of nuttiness. “So you’re the ‘Big Cheese’ around here,” I said to him. “Gee, I’ve never heard that one before,” he said. For my Exotic Product, I selected a cheese I had never heard of, which wasn’t hard. (The task, not the cheese.) It was a soft cheese called La Tur, imported from Italy. It was made from cow’s, goat’s and sheep’s milk. I have never wittingly consumed anything made from sheep’s and goat’s milk. Not baaaaaad! The Carnivore’s In Town Whole Foods Market meat and poultry is not treated with preservatives or unnecessary antibiotics and are fed a grain based diet that has no animal by-products. Whole Foods deals only with approved farmers who raise their livestock in a stress-free environment. Their motto: “Happy Today, Patty Tomorrow.” All chickens at Whole Foods are naturally raised, which means they are not pumped full of hormones or antibiotics. Some Whole Foods chickens are free range. No one could tell me what their range was, though. Could they cross the road? Go into town on Saturday night? And what determines which chickens get to range freely? Pecking order, I suppose. For my Exotic Product, it came down to the spinach and feta turkey burgers or the cranberry orange chicken sausage. I went with the turkey, which tasted delicious but different. Not like kosher poultry, but not like Perdue, either. The Calla Lilies Are in Bloom Or if not the Calla’s, then certainly the Casablancas and the Orientals. I, like most women, can spot a bunch of supermarket flowers a mile away. “Hey,” I usually say when presented with such a bouquet. “Where’s the beef?” The floral department at Whole Foods is small but its flowers have an upscale florist shop quality. Create your own arrangements, or choose one of theirs. I bought a dozen creamsicle colored roses. I gave them to myself, and thanked me profusely. Oh, Go Eat Your Lipbalm! Would you pour dangerous toxins directly into your liver? Never mind, go back to your martini. The point is: your skin is an organ too. People slather all kinds of potions and lotions into their skin without stopping to think what icky unpronounceable chemicals and allergens are seeping into their pores. The products carried by Whole Foods are harmless to your body; mostly smell good and have cute names like Kiss My Face and Dr. Bronner and Sun Dog’s Magic. I’m no PETA person but I’m still glad these products are not tested on innocent animals with big sad eyes. Burt’s Bees, a natural skin product line carried by Whole Foods, is actually edible. Think of the benefits! Say you are driving in a blizzard and are forced off the road. You probably won’t be rescued for days. You can keep from starving and keep your lips moist at the same time with Burt’s Bees lipbalm. Could Suzy Chapstick make that claim? I think not. Exotic Product: J.R. Liggett’s Old Fashioned Bar Shampoo. Made in Cornish, New Hampshire From An Old New England Recipe. Earth and User Friendly. Not Tested on Animals. No Preservatives.. No Animal Products. Pure Natural Oils. Thick Luxurious Lather. Rinses Out Clean and Easily. Promising Healthy, Beautiful, Clean Hair. As a person of the bleached blonde persuasion, how could I believe such grandiose claims? My hair has the color and texture of something not found in Nature. Was this hype, hyperbole…or could J.R. Liggett’s Old Fashioned Bar Shampoo in fact transform straw into gold? Although I wasn’t crazy about the herbal scent (a tad masculine) it did indeed lather luxuriously. It was even kind of dumb fun rubbing a bar of soap on my head. Best of all: Liggett’s delivered. Truth in advertising: what a concept! Cornucopious The produce department at Whole Foods is a sight to behold. It is dewy, bounteous and glistening. It is even color coordinated. Did you know that every single piece of fresh produce is taken down and put away at the close of day, then set up all over again the next morning? Ever eaten a yucca root? Me either. How about a fruit called Monstera? It has the scales of a pineapple and the shape of a banana. I hope they can find a cure for it. Whole Foods also slices and dices and shreds all kinds of produce for the convenience of rich yuppies. I saw bags of sliced fresh apples. Can there really be people too lazy to bite into an apple? Exotic Product? The edible flowers. Use as garnish or snack. Violets, roses, tulips, begonias, geraniums, lavender, marigolds, chrysanthemums, to name just a few. Before you start biting the heads off your houseplants; remember that some flowers are deadly poisonous. Unless you’re hosting your own Mystery Murder dinner party, let Whole Foods pick pesticide-free edible flowers for you. What’s the Catch? How can you tell a fish is fresh? By its bright eyes, firm flesh and sparkling scales? Tip offs, but not the giveaway. The answer is: fresh fish shouldn’t smell fishy. Close your eyes and you can’t tell the Whole Foods fish department from the Whole Foods customer service department. Open your eyes and it’s Seafood Fantasy on Ice. Whole Foods is the only supermarket with its own waterfront seafood facility, located in Gloucester, Mass. That means ship to shore in a matter of hours. Their standards are tough. It’s easier to get a file to Buddy Cianci than a fishy fish past their security. Exotic Product: Giant Calamari Steak. Fresh off the S.S. Nautilus. Dandy in Aspic If it sounds reasonable to you that the pate was going great until the terrine chased the mousse around the cassoulet, then perhaps you should brush up on your French before you approach the gourmet case at Whole Foods. Exotic product: Mousse de Foie de Canard au Porto, which is pork and duck liver mousse with port wine, topped with aspic. Not your grandmother’s chopped liver. If All Tofu is Soy, then is All Soy Tofu? This is a question that didn’t make the cut on the LSAT’s. Whole Foods sure has a whole lot of soy and tofu. Tofu is a foreign word which in English means “that which has no flavor.” Tofu is made from soy which is made from soybeans. Tofu is very versatile because it is white and mushy and highly absorbent. If for some reason you don’t want real food, you can get “tofuud” which is better for your health because you don’t care to eat much of it. Chefs cut tofu into squares and toss it into salads, soups and casseroles; mainly out of boredom. Soy is something you eat when you are allergic to everything else. It mystifies me why nobody is ever allergic to soy. Soy takes on the form of familiar foods such as hot dogs, milk, and ice cream. I think this is sinister and should be investigated. Soy burgers don’t taste like real burgers, and no one expects them to. In fact, it would be rude to mention it. In the Beginning, there was only soy sauce. And it was Good Enough. Now there is soy everything, including soy candles and soy soy. Whole Foods even prints some of its literature with soy ink! I couldn’t find any Soylent Green. Maybe you have to ask for it. One day there will be industrial soy, which will heat our homes and fuel our SoyUV’s. Exotic Product: Tofu Salad with Celery and Onion. Tastes like celery and onion. Note: Whole Foods addresses the needs of people with food allergies and/or dietary restrictions. The market carries food for vegetarians and gluten and lactose intolerants. Also for those on low-salt, low-fat, low-carb, low-calorie—low everything but low-priced diets. Snowballs and Truffles and Tortes, Oh My! Plus cups, puffs, bark and rings. Boules and pastilles. Cannolis, éclairs and madeleines. Charlottes, carries, samanthas and amandas. Blocks of white chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate. Chocolate dipped espresso beans and cocoa powder by the scoop. It was a very hard choice to select just one Exotic Product from the sweets corner. Mango mousse layer cake? I couldn’t afford it. Instead I bought a little cappuccino chocolate shaped like a teacup which I ate with my pinky elegantly upraised. No “Wonder” the Bread is Good Whole Foods carries the best of the New England bakeries: 7 Stars, Olga’s Cup and Saucer, Maxie’s Bread, When Pigs Fly, Daily Bread, Vermont Bread, Pain D’Avignon. Prepared for Take Out The North Main Whole Foods Market has a hot and cold bar with more than fifty varying selections, plus half a dozen soup selections, and a little chilled dessert station. That doesn’t include the fresh baked pizza, sushi, deli board, coffee counter, and all the meal entrees and side dishes. Now I know why you can’t get a parking place here at lunchtime. Take a number? Whole Foods eschews this crass practice. When another customer saunters up to the deli counter, a new employee is instantly hired to wait on him. Whole Foods employs Johnson and Wales students in their kitchens and encourages them to “be creative.” Can’t you just picture them back in the kitchens, cracking up and high fiving each other? “Throw some figs into the chicken soup and see if they’ll eat it!” This little guinea piggy picked the cilantro infused edamame and arame salad with carrots and sesame seed oil. They had me at “cilantro”… And So Much More… Did I mention the coffees and teas imported from picturesque third world countries? The bulk jars of organic flours, rice, bran, kasha and panko Japanese bread crumbs? More than enough vitamins, minerals and nutritional supplements to resurrect the entire population of Swan Point Cemetery? Green Machine Whole Foods is now the largest natural foods market in the world. It is the Wal-Mart of organic grocers, and founder and CEO John Mackey is the Bill Gates of organic foods. Mackey describes himself as a left leaning libertarian. But his raging capitalism would have made Ayn Rand proud. Whole Foods is a juggernaut whose winning strategy is to buy out the competition and at the same time attract the best kind of customers (i.e.: those to whom money is no object.) Dozens of rivals have been gobbled up over the past 25 years, including New England’s Bread and Circuses. Today there are 170 stores under the corporate belt, but its appetite for construction is insatiable. The company projects 300 stores and ten billion in revenue by 2010. A typical Whole Foods Market is not only big; it’s ubiquitous. New York’s Mayor Bloomberg said no to Wal-Mart but yes-yes-yes to three big box Whole Foods Markets. The newest, located in the Time Warner building, is 59,000 square feet. Yet it’s itty bitty compared to the 80,000 square foot Whole Foods in Austin, Texas. Union busting, too, has taken some of the shine off the Whole Foods hippie-face, but in general the company is regarded as employee-friendly. “Team members” have a voice in store operations, and executive salaries cap at 14 times that of an average worker. That means last year John Mackey “only” made about $350,000. Good thing he also owns lots of company stock. Every hire is provisional and after probation period, given a thumbs up or down from his/her peers. “Survivor Whole Foods.” Wouldn’t that make a good reality show? Stores hold regular “Five Percent Days” when said portion of profits get donated to humanitarian causes. Stung by accusations that they are nothing more than elitist Gardens of Eatin’ and their pricy organic foods just “gourmet treats for the rich,” Whole Foods introduced their own more affordable store brands. Several East Siders I’ve talked to say they think Whole Foods seafood and meats, especially, are competitively priced and better in quality. There are two Whole Foods locations in Rhode Island, both in Providence, at 261 Waterman Street and 601 North Main. For the holidays, you can order your entire meal at special tables set up inside the stores. On December 10th, from one to four p.m., both markets will host an “Elegant Afternoon.” Doesn’t mean black tie, just means you can stroll the aisles accompanied by live music, and get ideas and inspiration for holiday entertaining. Don’t be afraid of Whole Foods. Go, shop, be well. And remember: there’s bound to be a Mickey D’s on the way home.